U.S.
Washington Post To Run All Headlines By In-House ISIS Marketing Rep

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In order to ensure all headlines about Islamic terrorism are culturally sensitive and do not offend any brave freedom fighters in the Middle East, The Washington Post has retained an ISIS marketing representative.

All headlines published about terrorism will be run by the marketing rep. The PR rep was immediately put to work as headline writers worked to come up with a sensitive take on the death of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

"Do you think we should call him an extremist terrorist leader or is that considered offensive?" one intern asked the representative, Aarif al-Samarrai, in a brainstorming session Sunday.

An angered Samarrai began firing his AK-47 into the air and screamed, "ALLAHU AKBAR!" at this suggestion, apparently not happy with the angle. Post writers frantically tried to come up with different headlines to appease him, such as the following:

  • Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, mischevious rapscallion, passes away of entirely natural causes and definitely not a raid ordered by Trump. Also Trump is bad.
  • Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, noted firearm and explosive enthusiast, dies at 48.
  • Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, prophet of God and all-around swell guy, rewarded with 72 virgins.
  • Evil Americans kill innocent Middle Eastern farmer.
  • Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, austere religious scholar at helm of Islamic State, dies at 48

He was finally appeased with the last suggestion, and the Post was able to run it. "This should make everybody on the internet happy," said one writer, excited to see what Twitter's reaction would be.

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