Being an FBI agent is a sweet gig — excitement, carrying a badge and gun, wearing one of those cool "FBI" windbreakers, spying on law-abiding citizens, and cracking down on dangerous terrorists like Auntie Mable who voted for Trump. But how does one become an FBI agent?
The Babylon Bee is here to give you a leg up on the competition with the top 9 things the Bureau looks for when screening potential candidates.
- You always got in trouble at school for being a tattletale: Willingness to snitch on your fellow citizens is priority number one.
- You shout "domestic terrorist!" at every image in a Rorschach test: Even when it was clearly an image of your parents fighting.
- When your neighbor hasn't returned your leaf blower, you kick in his front door at 2 A.M. carrying an AR-15: The only sensible response.
- You were a Sega Genesis kid: Self-explanatory.
- You're absolutely convinced Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone: This is a non-negotiable.
- Your favorite part of watching a movie is the FBI piracy warning: Reading the criminal penalties for bootlegging movies is always better than the movies themselves.
- You cried when Old Yeller was shot using an unregistered gun: How did those monsters get away with it?
- You think pedophiles are just misunderstood: You're hired!
- You hate freedom: Enough of this liberty crap — it's time to oppress the populace.
The FBI runs a tight ship and only takes the cream of the crop, but if the list above fits you, you've got a bright future as a FED!
NOT SATIRE: Message from Kash Patel:
The FBI and Government Gangsters are undermining the United States and the America-First movement!
I launched the Kash Foundation to offer legal help to America First families like some from the Jan 6th witch hunts. I know what it's like because I was targeted by the DOJ when I led the Russiagate investigation for the House Committee and uncovered that the FBI was actively trying to sabotage Donald Trump.
My goal is to recruit 1,000 patriots to make a donation to the Kash Foundation. Will you be one of the 1,000 patriots brave enough to fight for victims of Government Gansters and support FBI whistleblowers? You can show your support by donating $10, $25, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000 or any amount today.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.