KYIV — Attorney General Merrick Garland's surprise Ukraine trip was cut short over the weekend after government officials asked him to leave, citing an overabundance of corrupt government officials already in the country.
"Believe me, Mr. Garland, your corruption is legendary," said President Zelensky during their short meeting. "But Ukraine is already corrupt to the core. We're pros at corruption, so we have this pretty well covered. We will not be needing your services, thank you very much."
Sources say the Attorney General stammered in response, citing his lengthy rap sheet which included sending the FBI after parents who protest at school board meetings, sending militarized police units to pro-life protestors' homes, and investigating "radical Catholics."
"Yes, yes, we're aware. Very impressive. Very devious. But not needed here. You're welcome to go back home where you belong," said Zelensky. "Thanks for stopping by though, bud! You didn't have to!"
Reports say an outraged and humiliated Garland is now investigating any Zelensky associates in the U.S. to see if he can find an excuse to send a SWAT team to their door.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
