UK Finally Cracks Down On Muslim Rapists

LONDON — Following years of leniency amidst increasing reports of widespread sexual assaults, the United Kingdom's Home Office, in conjunction with the Metropolitan Police Service, finally announced a crackdown on Muslim rapists.

"Enough is enough," Home Secretary Yvette Cooper announced during a joint press conference with the Metropolitan Police Service. "We respect your culture and your way of life, but we've decided to hold Muslim men accountable for committing acts of rape. A couple of them, at least."

The United Kingdom has tolerated rape perpetrated by Muslims for years but, according to sources, the straw that finally broke the camel's back was influencer Andrew Tate. "Honestly, I was a little worried about this announcement because almost everyone in England is Muslim. But I think arresting Andrew Tate will quell everyone's thirst for justice," said Prime Minister Keir Starmer. "Everyone hates him, even Muslims. So, at least in this very limited instance, we are against Muslim men raping people."

Some sources speculated that the crackdown was merely for show, designed to placate a concerned public while keeping the Muslim community happy. But, according to a public poll, British citizens will take whatever they can get. "At least they're going to arrest Andrew Tate," said Peter Suits, a lifelong Liverpool resident. "That's at least something."

At publishing time, somehow, cases of sexual assault in areas heavily populated by Muslims continued to rise, with authorities still searching for any potential solution.

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