TEHRAN — With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all women.
Sources within the regime revealed that the recently chosen supreme leader had called his most trusted Muslim scholars to search the Quran to determine if the 72 virgins awaiting martyrs in paradise had to be female.
"You could tell he was pretty bummed," said one insider. "We've all heard the rumors for years, and his father tried to keep it under wraps, but once we saw the look on his face when the cleric confirmed that all the virgins he would receive in paradise were women, that pretty much sealed the deal. He was really hoping it would be dudes."
Reports indicated that the ayatollah had begun questioning why he should bother pursuing the honor of martyrdom now. "What's the point?" he was said to have asked his advisors. "If I just get there and have to spend time with six dozen girls, how is that appealing to me in any way? This kind of ruins the whole thing for me, if I'm being honest."
Following the disappointing news, the supreme leader reportedly locked himself in his quarters to drown his sorrows with a Real Housewives marathon on Bravo.
At publishing time, the ayatollah's sexuality was further brought into question after it was learned that he was a Los Angeles Dodgers season ticket holder.
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