‘I’m Comfortable With My Masculinity,’ Says Man With Zero Masculinity

ANN ARBOR, MI — According to sources, local man Florian Beeve has stated that he is "very" comfortable with his masculinity, despite having no masculinity whatsoever.

Reporters caught up to Beeve as he was riding his electric bicycle away from his favorite fair-trade vegan muffin shop.

"Yes, I'm very comfortable in my masculinity, unlike most men who are extremely insecure," said Beeve while tucking his jasmine-scented hair under his "White Dudes for Harris" bike helmet. "Real men like me aren't afraid to express their masculinity in unconventional ways. Take that, all you so-called manly men!"

Beeve then cocked his hip to the side and made a sassy pose to show how absolutely secure in his masculinity he was.

Sources close to Beeve confirmed that he enjoys Nintendo, lavender oatmilk macha lattes, and marching for reproductive rights. "Sometimes, I really get my hands dirty by changing my own tires on my bicycle, or fighting fascists on Reddit," said the man with a testosterone count of 126 nanograms per deciliter of blood. "It's good to be a man!"

At publishing time, Beeve had been hired as a spokesperson by the Democratic National Committee to reach male voters.

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