CHAPPAQUA, NY — In the aftermath of Donald Trump's announcement of his 2024 Presidential candidacy, the nation was frozen with fear as word began to spread that former First Lady-New York Senator-Secretary of State-Failed Presidential Candidate-Election Denier-Legendary Assassin Hillary Clinton was preparing to make a major announcement of her own.
"We're still awaiting details of what this announcement might be," said conservative blogger Jerry Atric. "We can only assume that this has something to do with her own candidacy for President, which would give us the titanic rematch that absolutely no one asked for and everyone hoped we would never experience."
In a late-night post to his Truth Social account, Trump welcomed the possibility of facing Hillary again. "Crooked Hillary Clinton would be my second-favorite opponent in 2024, behind only Sleepy Joe Biden himself," Trump said. "I already defeated them BOTH, despite having my wonderful landslide re-election STOLEN. If Hillary wants some more, she can come and get it. Also, my pantsuits are much more flattering, everyone says so. MAGA!"
When asked for comments regarding a possible Hillary Clinton candidacy, President Joe Biden expressed total confusion as to who these Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump people were before being quickly ushered away by his caretakers.
At publishing time, the entire nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when it was revealed that Hillary's announcement was, in fact, just a renewal of her AppleTV series with daughter Chelsea, in which they travel across the country frightening ordinary citizens.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
