SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday he would be opening an exclusive company cafeteria that would sell items for $8.00 each, reversing an earlier policy in which free delicacies were lovingly spooned directly into the mouths of employees by an on-call wait staff.
"Twitter is losing millions of dollars a day. We can't keep giving away food," Musk said in a company-wide e-mail. "Support your own paycheck by buying the new Musk Meatball Sub in the company cafeteria!"
Musk's message continued, "I know you can afford 8 bucks for lunch. That's exactly how much you've been paying for fancy coffee drinks every morning ever since I got rid of the barista."
Employees immediately took to Twitter to disparage the announcement. "He is literally asking us to starve to death," tweeted employee Janelle Misiqua (@manwoman). UPDATE: Janelle Misiqua has been fired.
"I'm afraid to try the salad," tweeted Client Account Manager Shelley Duvall (@xxxhotdogtown). "It could be anything!" UPDATE: Shelley Duvall has been fired.
Others have expressed confusion that every item on the menu costs the same. "Why am I paying 8 bucks for lima beans and a pasta dish? It doesn't make any sense," tweeted Director of Accounting Daryl Philbro. UPDATE: Daryl Philbro has been fired.
Network Admin David D'Angelo (@iamacat), however, posted a contrary opinion. "The Musk meatball sub is chef's kiss," he tweeted. "Well worth the 8 dollars. Would buy again."
At publishing time, Musk decided to scrap the new cafeteria in favor of watching Twitter employees battle each other for bread in the new Twitter Thunderdome.
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