U.S. — Following a successful appearance at last night's Al Smith charity dinner, former President Donald Trump signed a deal to host every late-night TV talk show, saving networks from a lengthy ratings drought.
Executives at several major networks were reportedly wowed by Trump's comedic speech at the dinner and immediately placed calls to the former president's campaign to bring him on board to host all of the late-night shows.
"They came to me crying, absolutely bawling," Trump recounted in an appearance on Fox & Friends this morning. "They said, 'Save us! Our ratings are terrible!' I almost said no, to tell you the truth. I don't want to sit in Jimmy Kimmel's chair. You don't know where he's been, that guy. Dirty Jimmy, they call him."
Among the shows Trump now hosts are The Tonight Show, The Late Show, Last Week Tonight, Real Time With Bill Maher, and Jimmy Kimmel Live! — now retitled Trump Incredibly Live, Everyone Is Saying So — and more. Reports confirmed that Seth Meyers would continue to host Late Night because even NBC executives forgot it existed.
"And I'm a busy guy," Trump continued. "I haven't taken a day off in 40 years. But I guess I'm the only one that can do it. Everyone's telling me I'm the only one who can save late-night comedy, so I guess I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it better than it's ever been done. It's really going to be something."
To aid in his hosting duties, a giant studio with a rotating set is being constructed in Mar-a-Lago so Trump can record every show daily on a staggered schedule even if he is elected president.
The Trump Late-Night Line-Up marks the first time networks have agreed to share talent in such a manner. "I wish we thought of this sooner," said CBS President Robert Television. "We could have just let Conan O'Brien host everything back in the '90s. It would have been great. I don't know why we were all too stupid to do that."
Not everyone was convinced the move would work. Some point out that Trump will literally be competing with himself on different networks in identical time slots. "If there's anyone who can beat Trump, it's Trump," said NBC CEO Andrew Zenith.
At publishing time, all the late-night shows changed formats, eliminating the celebrity interview, because the only person who ever wanted to appear was Dennis Quaid.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
