WASHINGTON, D.C. — With allegations of money laundering in Minnesota and other states growing by the day, Republican lawmakers in Washington have vowed to uncover all Somali fraud in Minnesota and then do nothing about it except to fundraise for future elections.
"It is absolutely vital that we uncover as much fraud in Minnesota as possible so that we can fundraise off it," Senate Majority Leader John Thune said. "Some of us have elections coming up."
According to sources, fundraising off suspected Somali fraud may finally be the single issue that unites all Republicans. "If we do the hard work, and I mean really pull up our sleeves and get dirty, we could fundraise off of this for a long time," said Senator Tom Cotton. "This fraud is disgusting and also really, really welcome from a fundraising standpoint. We should get some more Somali people over here. That could really be shot in the arm for our campaigns."
Thus far, the known fraud in Minnesota committed by the Somali community, and those in support of it, has exceeded $18 billion. Republican lawmakers assured the American people that they remained committed to their number one issue: fundraising.
"If people don't vote for us, then there will be no one to fundraise for future Republican elections," House Speaker Mike Johnson said. "Somali fraud? What's that? Can I fundraise off it?"
At publishing time, congressional Republicans moved forward with legislation that would increase immigration from Somalia, so things could get worse, and they could campaign on promising to fix it.
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