It's the end of December, which means people all over the world are making their lists of New Year's resolutions for 2026 — and President Donald Trump is no different.
Through high-level contacts, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following copy of Trump's resolutions for the coming year:
Build a wall around New York City: To keep the riffraff from escaping into the U.S.
Put his face on all U.S. currency: Nobody remembers people like Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, or Ben Franklin anyway.
Reconnect with Macaulay Culkin: Make sure he knows where to find the bathroom.
Broker peace with all the losers and haters: A truce only Trump can negotiate.
Break ground on the White House Monster Truck Arena: Fulfilling a promise he made to JD Vance.
Apply crippling economic pressure on McDonald's until they bring the McRib back year-round: Sky-high tariffs on every extra value meals until they cave.
Abandon strategy of hiring hot female attorneys and instead hire even hotter female attorneys: It'll definitely work this time.
Bomb the Norwegian Nobel Committee for refusing to award him the Peace Prize: That'll show ‘em.
To achieve world peace so Earth will be unified against the impending alien invasion: The galactic army from Zorlox IX won't stand a chance when Trump is elected President of Earth.
Prepare an astonishingly spiteful obituary for that 4th-rate loser Dick Van Dyke: He never said nice things about Trump, even once.
Forget the list — change nothing: President Trump is already perfect.
If you thought 2025 was a year of winning, you haven't seen anything yet. What other resolutions should President Trump have for 2026? Post your suggestions in the comments.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
