WASHINGTON, D.C. - Trump has built up a lot of buzz over the coming stimulus payments, saying he has hidden five golden tickets among the checks heading to Americans this week.
Anyone who gets a golden ticket will win a free tour of Mar-a-Lago. Rumor has it that Trump will be watching them closely to see which of the winners has the qualities he looks for in a manager, with the best candidate getting hired as Mar-a-Lago's onsite McDonald's manager.
"Who will win? Nobody knows!" Trump said gleefully as he carefully signed each of the golden tickets before hiding them among the stimulus checks. "I, Donald Trump, have decided to allow five Americans - just five, mind you, and no more - to visit my resort this year. These lucky five will be shown around personally by me, and they will be allowed to see all the secrets and the magic of my hotel and golf resort -- the best golf, maybe ever. Then, at the end of the tour, as a special present, all of them will be given Season 1 of The Apprentice on DVD!"
"So watch out for the Golden Tickets! Five Golden Tickets have been printed on golden paper, and these five Golden Tickets have been hidden in your stimulus checks. These five may be anywhere - in any mailbox in the country. And the five lucky finders of these five Golden Tickets are the only ones who will be allowed to visit my Mar-a-Lago during the lockdown. Good luck to you all!"
Unfortunately, he put all five golden tickets in a stimulus envelope addressed to Jim Acosta.