PORTLAND, OR—Portland is filled with unemployed masked people -- not because of coronavirus or anything, but just because it's Portland.
The streets of Portland are filled with people who might be criminals since they're wearing face masks, so it's pretty much business as usual for the city. Antifa has worn masks all the time anyway, since they're upstanding citizens who are really proud of the things they do in broad daylight. And they've never had a job in the first place.
"Oh yeah, all these possible criminals in masks? It's pretty much just how it's always been," said one Portland man as he ventured out of his home, packing a pointy stick for protection against the roaming hordes of people who look like train robbers. "The outlaws took over this place a long time ago."
"Oh, there's a pandemic going on? Yeah, hadn't heard. I just try to stay away from the weird people in masks as much as possible anyway."
A potential problem occurred, however, when Antifa caught wind of the mandates to wear masks at all times and took off their masks just to be as edgy and rebellious as they always are.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.