WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bid to bring down housing costs for struggling Americans trying to afford to purchase a home, President Donald Trump unveiled a plan that would normalize the utilization of eternal mortgages.
While 30-year mortgages had been the industry standard for generations, climbing prices and economic challenges have made it difficult for hardworking Americans to become homeowners. Trump was confident that the new eternal mortgage would solve the problem.
"Just be in debt forever, that'll make it easy," Trump told reporters in the Oval Office. "This way, you'll never have to stress about trying to get out of debt, because your mortgage just lasts forever. It's a beautiful thing. That's a long, long mortgage, folks. I know a thing or two about real estate, and being given eternity to pay off a loan is really something. We should do that with the national debt. Though I guess we already do that, really. It's a heck of a strategy, believe me."
Administration officials were reportedly still in negotiations with representatives from both Heaven and Hell to finalize terms about whether or not the eternal mortgage payments would extend into the afterlife. "We're close to a deal on that," one insider said. "The U.S. government has longstanding connections with entities from the hereafter, so we at least have some prior relationship where we can start negotiations. We're confident that we can come to a deal that will allow debtors to keep having to make mortgage payments for all eternity, long after they leave this world."
At publishing time, sources confirmed that interest rates for eternal mortgages would instantly triple if loanholders went to Hell.
What happens when a politically divided family sit down for a "peaceful" dinner?
