WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the end of the government shutdown in sight, the United States Congress was reportedly preparing to pivot from doing nothing because of the shutdown to doing nothing because they're Congress.
"Yea or nay, it doesn't really matter," said Senator Elizabeth Warren. "I'm still going to complain about the weather and randomly shout 'RACISM!' instead of listening to my constituents."
In a 60-40 vote, the Senate advanced a funding bill on Sunday evening, bringing the federal government one step closer to reopening. Lawmakers were now mentally preparing themselves for being unable to blame the shutdown for their lack of action.
"I don't know what the American people are really expecting," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "We're still not going to do anything. That's why I voted no, at least that way people would blame the shutdown and not us directly."
But not all politicians were ready to avoid work simply because they are in Congress, as some have principles they simply refuse to violate.
"I fought really hard to reopen the government while also simultaneously keeping it closed because I hate spending money," Senator Rand Paul said. "It adds trillions to the debt and makes people expect us to work, which I don't like. As a libertarian, I think the government should never do anything, ever."
At publishing time, the government shutdown continued after Representative Thomas Massie introduced a bill requiring a balanced budget to reopen the government, something no party was willing to support.
Heartwarming!
