MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Governor Tim Walz took decisive action to back up his aggressive rhetoric against federal immigration operations in his state by calling in the Somali Armed Forces to assist in the fight against ICE.
"They're the most potent fighting force at my disposal," Walz told the media. "As a former football coach, I am uniquely qualified to lead a strategic ground war against the federal government, which is why I've called in armed combatants from war-torn Somalia to take the fight to ICE."
Walz ended his remarks by assuring the public that Minnesota would not fail in its mission because of his close ties to the most elite Somali military task forces.
In support of the governor, Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey added, "We are ready to sacrifice our souls, our children, and our families to keep up our fraud. For Minnesota and Allah."
According to combat reporters on the ground, approximately 150 Somali soldiers from their paratrooper division, known as the Danab Brigade, made landfall at 0500 and stormed the nearby Mall of America in Bloomington to set up a base of operations from which to direct supplies and forces. By 0700, they were marching on downtown Minneapolis with a mission to secure the area and make it safe for fraud.
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement was engaging directly with the Somali forces, who, according to sources, said, "We are the immigration officers now."
President Donald Trump expressed outrage at the turn of events, calling Governor Walz "a total loser" and "very, very gay" and vowed to respond in kind.
At publishing time, U.S. Marines had landed in Duluth via amphibious transport from Lake Superior to the north and began their march south to liberate the Twin Cities.
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