WASHINGTON, D.C. — The record-length shutdown of the federal government was finally set to reach its conclusion, as Senate Democrats agreed to end the shutdown in exchange for a 15% off coupon to Cracker Barrel.
Democrats had appeared to be willing to keep the shutdown going through the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday despite rising frustration among the American people, but a small group of senators reportedly caved when Senate Majority Leader John Thune put a Cracker Barrel coupon on the negotiating table.
"That was an offer no one in their right mind could pass up," said Virginia Senator Tim Kaine. "It was our intention to hold the line and not allow the Republicans to have any leverage over us, but once we heard about the chance to get 15% off at Cracker Barrel, we knew this long and senseless shutdown of the federal government had to end. It's the hashbrown casserole. I just couldn't turn it down."
Capitol insiders said that Senate Republicans strategically waited until lawmakers were feeling hungry to propose the Cracker Barrel coupon. "They knew what they were doing," one source said. "Call it what you want, but it was smart politics. They've held this coupon in their back pocket for a long time in case they needed it. They knew that as soon as they heard the Dems' stomachs growling, it was time to go with the nuclear option. Those Democrats who crossed the line to end the shutdown think they really got something out of the deal. If they love chicken and dumplings, I guess they kind of did."
At publishing time, Republicans would not confirm or deny that they had a 30% off coupon waiting in the wings in case the Democrats played hardball.
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