WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has called the upcoming election unfair and rigged, saying the increase in mail-in votes would jeopardize the legitimacy of the results. Instead, Trump has proposed that we replace the system with a new one where an eligible male heir simply inherits the presidency once the old ruler dies.
The innovative new system will simply grant the presidency to the next male in a kind of "line of succession." Congress will not be needed, of course, since the ruler will graciously take upon himself the heavy burden of making all decisions for the country.
"We could have a big seat that the ruler sits in," Trump said at a press conference Thursday morning. "A huge seat, really big. Nice and plush. And a kind of round, golden hat. And you know what else would be neat? A little golden stick or rod. You could wave it around when you order people to do things. And if they won't do them you just bop them on the head with it. Or shout at someone to cut their head off."
"Oh man, and a cape. A cape would be tremendous."
Among the many benefits of the new system touted by Trump are more efficient decision-making, no more bickering from Congress, and fun titles to put behind the ruler's name. He says he thinks he'll select "His Majesty Donald Trump, First of His Name, Defeater of the Libs, Slayer of Hillary, Sovereign of All America" as his title, should we go ahead with this "great new idea."
Under the new system, Mike Pence would be made to put on a funny costume, juggle, and tell jokes to please the supreme leader, Trump also confirmed at publishing time.