MAR-A-LAGO, FL — After a judge ruled Trump liable in the sexual abuse and defamation case brought by E. Jean Carroll, the former President responded by announcing he would pay the $5 million judgment using his collectible NFT trading cards.

"These NFTs, also known as 'non-fungible token' trading cards, which are beautiful and one-of-a-kind collector's items, the likes of which the world has never seen, will be more than enough to cover the 5 million dollars," said Trump proudly. "I shouldn't owe this money anyway, because I never did anything wrong and this is a phony witch hunt."

"I'll tell you what's not phony though: these NFT trading cards. They are one hundred percent real and authentic!"

Sources say Carroll has been offered a Trump cowboy, a Trump superhero, and a special-edition, limited-run picture of Trump wrestling a snake with Nancy Pelosi's face. Trump has appraised the collection as worth well over $5 million.

"These are worth more than the money I owe, but I'm giving them anyways to E. Jean Carroll, who I've never met, out of the goodness of my heart," said Trump. "She knows this is a witch hunt! WITCH HUNT!"

At publishing time, Trump had offered to also pay his legal team in NFTs.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.