MAR-A-LAGO, FL — After a judge ruled Trump liable in the sexual abuse and defamation case brought by E. Jean Carroll, the former President responded by announcing he would pay the $5 million judgment using his collectible NFT trading cards.
"These NFTs, also known as 'non-fungible token' trading cards, which are beautiful and one-of-a-kind collector's items, the likes of which the world has never seen, will be more than enough to cover the 5 million dollars," said Trump proudly. "I shouldn't owe this money anyway, because I never did anything wrong and this is a phony witch hunt."
"I'll tell you what's not phony though: these NFT trading cards. They are one hundred percent real and authentic!"
Sources say Carroll has been offered a Trump cowboy, a Trump superhero, and a special-edition, limited-run picture of Trump wrestling a snake with Nancy Pelosi's face. Trump has appraised the collection as worth well over $5 million.
"These are worth more than the money I owe, but I'm giving them anyways to E. Jean Carroll, who I've never met, out of the goodness of my heart," said Trump. "She knows this is a witch hunt! WITCH HUNT!"
At publishing time, Trump had offered to also pay his legal team in NFTs.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
