WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump delighted a crowd gathered on the White House lawn as he participated in a beloved annual tradition: the execution of an extremely irritating goose.
The president went through the motions of the solemn ceremony, reading off the goose's crimes and then asking if anyone wanted the goose to be pardoned. "These United States find you guilty of honking really loudly, chasing poor, defenseless people who just happen to get a little too close to you, and just being a real jerk."
"Geese's beaks even have these little teeth-like edges---just terrible!" he concluded. "If anyone wants this goose to be pardoned, speak now or forever hold your peace." No one spoke.
Trump nodded solemnly and picked up the official presidential axe. The crowd began to cheer: "Execute him! Give us the turkey! Execute him! Give us the turkey!"
Finally, the moment came: "Worst animal of all time!" Trump declared as he brought the axe plummeting down on the goose's neck. "No pardon for any geese, ever!"
Trump's poll numbers have skyrocketed since the execution of the goose, and he's since announced a daily execution of various animals including cats, honey badgers, and people from San Francisco.