U.S.—In honor of Thanksgiving week, the nation's progressives have begun to give thanks that they have so much to be angry and offended about this year.
"Thank you, unspecified deity who may or may not exist, for giving us so much stuff to be outraged about," said Staci Walder, 42, of Portland, as she prepared her vegan, kale-wrapped turkey. "I'm truly humbled that you've blessed me with the Trump presidency, the patriarchy, the laws of economics, and biological facts to rage against."
"Every year, it's important to pause and recognize how much we have to be angry about."
"A lot of people struggle with gratitude, but I'm deeply thankful that the universe has given us a veritable cornucopia of things to be mad about," agreed Mary Wallace, 27, of New York. "I know that I come from a place of privilege, and when I think about those poor people who have absolutely nothing to be mad about, I utter a prayer of thanks to goddess."
Many progressives partake in an annual tradition of writing down all the things they're thankful to be mad about:
- White people
- Personal responsibility
- Satire that does not affirm their viewpoint
- Old tweets
- 32-ounce sodas
- Plastic straws
- People who hold a steady job
- Appropriating other cultures
- Excluding other cultures
- Kanye West
"If we'd all just remember to count our outrages, we'd have a much worse attitude all the time," Wallace said as she looked over her own list of offensive things that dare to exist. "We should live our lives as though it's Outrage Thanksgiving every day."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.