Sports
Tom Brady Suspected Of Taking Performance-Enhancing Metamucil

TAMPA, FL—Scandal is once again rocking the NFL on Super Bowl Sunday after accusations surfaced that Tampa Bay Buccaneer Quarterback Tom Brady has been taking performance-enhancing Metamucil.

"Yeah, I heard that too," said Kansas City Quarterback Patrick Mahomes. "I heard people his age need to take it every day in order to be able to poop like normal young football players like me. I wouldn't be surprised in the least."

Tom Brady has forcefully denied all accusations. 

"Shut up, guys! I'm not that old- I'm only 43!" said Mr. Brady to a roomful of sports reporters. "43 is not that old! Why would I need to take Metamucil? I had a perfectly good bowel movement just this morning!" After he said this, the entire room burst out in laughter, since Tom Brady had just used the phrase "bowel movement."

In light of the scandal, some others say they feel emboldened to come forward regarding some other Tom Brady wrongdoings. At the time of publishing, several witnesses accused Brady of illegally deflating the tennis balls on the walker he uses to get from his front door to his mailbox.

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