U.S. — To avoid any future delays in sending billions of taxpayer dollars and deadly weapons to Ukraine, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has decided to make things easier and give President Zelensky the key to the U.S. Treasury.
"It's simpler this way. Now Mr. Zelensky can let himself in whenever he wants, and help himself to whatever he needs!" said Yellen. "As a government official, I want to help the government be as efficient as possible. This removes all those unnecessary steps that come between Ukraine wanting money and then getting it! I'm a genius!"
"Zelensky, dear, you just take whatever you need, sweetie!"
Sources say Zelensky has already let himself in the massive, highly secure vault 3 times today, helping himself to wheelbarrows full of coins, gold bullion, and Ashley Biden's diary. "We thank the American government for the lovely gift of their citizens' money," he said. "We promise to put this to good use by killing many Russians and buying lots of cocaine. God bless America!"
At publishing time, Zelensky had already made a return trip after blowing all the cash from his first three trips.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
