CHICAGO, IL — After suffering a humiliating defeat in Chicago's mayoral election, Lori Lightfoot blamed her stunning loss on "those tricksy hobbitses."
"They stole it from us!!" wailed Ms. Lightfoot. "Nasty, tricksy little hobbitses!!"
The campaign watched the disastrous results come in from a dimly lit sushi restaurant, where the enraged Ms. Lightfoot gorged herself on juicy-sweet raw fish. "Gone!! It's gone, precious!!" cried Ms. Lightfoot to supporters. "Filthy, sneaky hobbitses!! Wicked, tricky, false! Curse them! CURSE THEM!!!"
Long considered the electoral frontrunner, Ms. Lightfoot saw her lead evaporate as supporters became steadily more concerned about being murdered. "I just don't want to die," said local woman Brandi Buckingham. "I can look past a lot with Lori Lightfoot - the eyes, how she walks on all fours, all of it. I just can't look past the whole murder thing. I know she'll take the loss hard, but I really hope she finds a new path forward."
At publishing time, aides for the two campaigns heading to a runoff reported the strange sense that some sort of creature was following them.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
