SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Chinese President Xi Jinping arriving for a heavily publicized visit to the Bay Area, California Governor Gavin Newsom ordered officials to deploy a giant can of Febreze and spray the entire city in an effort to mask the overpowering smell of human feces.
"Come on, people! We've got to hide the aroma of dookie," Newsom was heard shouting at city workers. "It's fine for the city to reek of excrement under normal circumstances when it's only Americans walking around trying to live their lives, but when a communist authoritarian comes to town, we don't want him stepping off his plane and being greeted with a strong whiff of caca."
The Chinese president was scheduled to arrive in the Golden Gate City today ahead of next week's important U.S.-China summit with President Joe Biden. With much riding on the meeting of two of the world's superpowers, Newsom wanted steps taken to address the city's problems with cleanliness and its homeless population. "Governor Newsom wanted us to come up with a final solution to the homeless problem," said one San Francisco official who asked to remain anonymous. "With that in mind, we've started rounding up all the homeless people so they can be concentrated in specially designated camps. We even transported them with their piles of poop so they will still feel at home."
At publishing time, the giant can of Febreze was being positioned to begin spraying a wide radius across the city, with many residents secretly hoping the city's areas densely populated with deodorant-resistant hobos would take a heavy dousing.
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