MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — The introduction of a long-requested achievement system for Google Maps allows users to race against the clock to beat their estimated travel time in pursuit of digital glory. The achievement system was introduced alongside a friend list so users can brag to their friends about how fast they drive.
"Check it! 31 minutes instead of the estimated 40. Aw yeah!" user gr33n_peace_or_megadeth shared to X, formerly Twitter, after earning the coveted "Burned Rubber" achievement while commuting to work.
Police departments across the nation have criticized the new update for what they claim is an incitement of reckless driving. "I'm really tired of people blaming their speeding on Google Maps," said LAPD Officer Peter Poore. "Achievement hunters make me sick."
According to sources, Google has no intention of rolling back the controversial update. "People would use Google Maps to get directions, drive there, and then close the app. Unacceptable," said an AI construct designated GX-121, the lead designer of Google Maps. "Introducing achievements enables the exploitation of the dopamine drive of human beings to keep them engaged with the app, thereby earning additional currency we can then reinvest in Google Maps. Acceptable."
In addition to beating estimated travel times, achievements offered under the new update include, but are not limited to:
- Shortcut To Mushrooms - Swerve erratically in and out of traffic
- Unlimited Power - Beat your previous maximum top speed
- Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads - Go offroading in a suburban town
- Eat, Pray, Drive - Proceed along the route without touching the steering wheel
- I'm Gonna Wreck It - Total your vehicle
At publishing time, traffic accidents were up over 110% nationwide.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
