SAN FRANCISCO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom initiated a last-minute cleanup of San Francisco ahead of a visit from China's communist dictator President Xi. He assured all unhoused persons in the area that they may resume their normal practice of sidewalk defecation as soon as his boss has left town.
"Please, we need to try and keep the place clean just for a few days while my boss is here," said Newsom in a press conference surrounded by a horde of angry homeless people. "Please don't mess it up for me and President Xi. I really want to impress him. Please hold it in for a couple of days. Just clench or something. After that, you may poop to your heart's content. Thank you."
"Please," he added. "If I play my cards right, Xi may even let me become President. This is huge for me."
Sources say locals were shocked to wake up on Monday and find their streets temporarily clean, safe, and free of mountains of human fecal matter. "What happened?" said one local to reporters. "Where am I? Where did all the poop go? Did I die and go to heaven?"
To keep the streets pristine through the planned Wednesday visit, Newsom also authorized the temporary relocating of all homeless to a Chinese-style labor camp.
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