AUGUSTA, GA - Changes to the game of golf were enacted by the PGA Tour Thursday - just in time for the Masters Tournament at the Augusta National Golf Course - in order to make the sport more exciting. Instead of traditional play, golfers will now just play football.
Now, instead of hitting a ball hundreds of yards toward a hole, golfers will maintain a strong offense as they carry a redesigned golf ball several hundred yards to score a touchdown on the green. Players can pass or run the ball up the course with the number of yards needed for a first down changing depending on the course's par. Sounds exciting!
Early ratings indicate viewers are responding well to the revised golf game, though some fine-tuning may be in order for future events. Viewers are confused to find that the same quiet and deliberate golf commentary has not undergone its own changes.
"Golf is so much more exciting now!" said golf fan Aaron Greentrap. "It's just a little disorienting to see refs constantly quiet the crowd for the players to concentrate."
At publishing time, golf veteran Tiger Woods was snapped like a twig by defensive linebacker Edgar Suggz on behalf of professional golfer Joaquin Niemann and has been taken to the hospital.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.