ISRAEL - According to sources, a local man's youngest son asked his father for his share of his inheritance, only to set off for a distant country and squander his wealth on a gender studies degree. The son reportedly came to his senses after graduating and realized the only job he could find was feeding pigs.
Soon, food shortages and runaway inflation throughout the land forced the prodigal son to return and beg for forgiveness from his father.
"Father, I have sinned against Heaven and against you, for I have squandered my inheritance on a gender studies degree," said the young man. "I am no longer worthy to be called your nonbinary son, he/him."
The father wept for joy that his son was returned to him and ordered his servants to give him the best robe and prepare the fatted calf for supper, not realizing his son no longer wore gendered clothing or ate meat. "What is this, Dad?" cried the son. "I don't present as masculine and meat is murder!"
The prodigal son then left his home again, for his father was a bigot.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
