To Drown Out Justice Jackson, Clarence Thomas Resorts To Wearing Noise-Canceling Headphones
Politics · Oct 19, 2022 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Ketanji Brown Jackson joining a growing number of women on the United States Supreme Court, Justice Clarance Thomas has taken to wearing noise-canceling headphones to help drown out the incessant chatter.

"What on earth do these womenfolk need to be talking about all the time?" said Thomas. "Why do you need 11,000 words to discuss whether a man using a girl's bathroom is a First Amendment right? The Constitution ain't that complicated! I can't take it anymore!"

Thomas then turned up the volume on his favorite Megadeath album Rust in Peace and put his head down, waiting for the ladies to finish their extremely drawn-out legal arguments.

Justices Alito, Kavanaugh, and Gorsuch have also found ways to cope with the increased noise level, often sneaking away to the bathroom to smoke a cigarette while waiting for oral arguments to finish. "I took up smoking just so I'd have an excuse to get away. This is bad for my health!" complained Kavanaugh.

At publishing time, Ketanji Brown Jackson and Amy Coney Barrett were still in the middle of an hours-long debate on the 14th Amendment and how it related to what Cheryl next door said on Facebook while they were dropping their kids off at soccer practice. Justice Thomas was still in the corner listening to some pre-Reputation Taylor Swift.

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