CUPERTINO, CA — Apple, Inc. has once again astounded customers and shareholders alike by releasing new Airpods that conveniently come with one already lost for you.
Shares of Apple (AAPL) rose sharply following news that customers will soon open new Airpod cases and see that one of them is lost, a feature that used to occur days — sometimes even weeks — after purchase.
"Wow, Apple read my mind by losing one of them before I even have to think about it," said one customer demoing an Airpod at a local Apple Store. "So innovative."
Apple CEO Tim Cook later tweeted that not only do the new Airpods intuitively provide that dreadful sense of loss from the get-go but that the move has also saved Apple, Inc. a ton of money in production. He then added that all Airpod buyers will have the amazing opportunity to be forced to enjoy the entire library of his favorite band, The Crash Test Dummies, free with each purchase.
At publishing time, Apple had announced the release of a new Macbook Pro that shouts "Peasant!" at anyone nearby not using a Macbook Pro.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
