WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an address to the nation, El Presidente Biden showed off his cool new uniform covered with flashy medals and assured the nation that the U.S. is not a banana republic.
"Listen, folks, this is ridiculous," said El Presidente as machine gun fire went off in the background. "Just because I'm using the corrupt power of my administration to prosecute a political opponent, doesn't mean we are a banana republic. We're a nation of laws and freedom! If you weren't free, would I be wearing my beautiful gold Presidential Medal of Freedom right now? I think not!"
Media outlets praised Biden's bold and impressive new look. "It's as if the shiny gold of Dear Leader's well-deserved medals are signaling a new dawn for our country and all humanity," said CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer. "For the first time, I feel safe, wrapped in the loving arms of our Lord Ruler. Blessings be upon him!"
Sources say Biden's political opponent, Donald Trump, is finally being held responsible for the egregious crime of having classified documents while not being a member of the ruling party. "I AM THE MOST PERSECUTED PERSON WHO HAS EVER LIVED," said Trump in an all-caps rant on TRUTH Social. "NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN MORE MISTREATED THAN I HAVE. THIS IS A PHONY WITCH HUNT AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!"
Sources confirmed Trump is scheduled to disappear mysteriously next Tuesday.
At publishing time, the Biden Regime reiterated that the U.S. is not a banana republic and that anyone who says otherwise will be indicted and then shot.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?