RAYTOWN, MO — The Almighty God finally had enough and had to break some difficult news to a local churchgoer today, as He sent word to a woman that she was no longer allowed to bring her tambourine to church.
"That's enough, Cindy. Seriously, that's enough," said a spokesperson from Heaven. "He understands that you're really tambourine-ing your heart out and you intend it to be an act of praise to enhance the worship music, but…stop. He just wants you to stop."
Cindy Pollock, a longtime member of Central Assembly of God, had been bringing her personal tambourine to church every Sunday and playing it at her seat during worship. "I love using my tambourine to add a little something extra to every song. There's nothing like embellishing everyone's claps with a little pizazz!"
Despite her enthusiasm and years of amateur tambourine experience, Cindy failed to notice the expanding radius of empty seats around her at church each Sunday. "It just got to be too much," said fellow church member Charlie Julian. "There have been times when I go to sleep at night still hearing that infernal jingling tambourine sound. We've actually held prayer meetings asking the Lord to get rid of it. Praise God, He did it!"
At publishing time, the Creator of the Universe had made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that Cindy is to leave the tambourine at home from now on. "He's saying it very nicely this time," Heaven's spokesperson said. "Just obey now before any plagues get involved."
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