U.S. - Former President Donald Trump has officially been indicted by the federal government on seven counts of not storing highly classified documents in his garage behind a corvette.
"Mr. Trump had these documents securely stored in a closet instead of strewn about the garage. Straight to jail," said Merrick Garland. "Trump's failure to haphazardly toss Top Secret documents behind a car is nothing short of treasonous."
For his part, Mr. Trump has denied all wrongdoing. "I hide all my classified documents behind the best, most beautiful cars at Mar-A-Lago," said Mr. Trump. "Corvettes are for the poors. Do I look like a poor? Ha! I would never put Top Secret documents behind anything cheaper than a McLaren! What a rube!"
At publishing time, the DOJ announced they would also indict Trump for making a deal with Ukraine without his son receiving millions of dollars in bribes.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
