KYIV — During a public Zoom call with U.S. Congress, Ukrainian President Volodimir Zelensky emphatically claimed, "The Russians blew up our dam," while still holding a detonation plunger thingy commonly seen in cartoons when things blow up.
Zelensky then asked everyone to be on the lookout for the chief suspect: A short man wearing army green pajamas who was seen escaping the disaster on rocket skates. "It was probably Putin himself."
The dam disaster comes just months after a dripping-wet Zelensky pulled a Baltic Sea Bass out of his trousers and then announced that Russia had blown up the Nordstream gas pipeline in the Baltic Sea.
"The most patriotic way to fight evil Putin's evil Russia is by sending $60 billion to fix our precious dam and...for...other things," said the president while brushing chunks of concrete from his hair and shoulders. Zelensky then ended the Zoom call by strapping on a jetpack and flying up through the ceiling of one of his mansions.
At publishing time, Congress had approved $60 billion in aid for Ukraine, including another shipment of ACME Dam-Blast-O-Matics and Pipeline-Destructo-Scuba-Bombs.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!