Our long national nightmare is over. Donald Trump has been elected president again and life in the United States — and, indeed, the world — will never be the same again. Need further proof? Consider this selection of undeniable miracles that have taken place in just the short time since Trump won the election.
Feminists are shaving their heads so everyone can easily identify them: No more worrying about which women are shrill harpies.
McDonald's announced that the McRib would now be available permanently: No more shall anyone go without press-formed ambiguous meat patties.
Airline stewardesses are wearing hotpants and roller skates again: Also, you can now call them "stewardesses" again without getting in trouble.
Disney will stop making Star Wars: The spread of darkness and evil has come to a merciful end.
Joe Biden rose from the dead: He came back to life to give a speech but promptly died again.
Liberal women spontaneously stopped procreating: An answer to decades of fervent prayers.
RFK, Jr.'s voice was immediately healed after he touched the hem of Trump's slacks: But upon hearing him speak clearly, everyone agreed that he sounded pretty liberal.
The Rio Grande parted to allow migrants to be deported on dry ground: They can return the same way they came, but their feet will stay dry this time.
A rainbow appeared in the sky, signaling God's promise to never let Kamala Harris run for president again: Never again will the Lord destroy the earth with incessant cackling.
None of this could have happened unless the nation was truly healing from decades of division. Have you noticed any other signs and wonders? Post them in the comments below.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
