BURBANK, CA — Liberal woman Marcie Galveston was forced to film herself having a second post-election meltdown this week after she realized she forgot to hit the record button on her phone the first time around.
"WHY??? WHY?????" screeched Galveston, tears running down her cheeks. "I'm shaking, I'm so terrified! Look what you did, you sick freaks! I'm literally no longer safe as a woman, are you happy? I just can't believe over half the country is so RACIST and SEXIST and… oh wait a second. My phone isn't on. Aw, man. Gonna have start this whole thing from the beginning."
Despite the setback, Galveston worked hard to drum up new tears and access that same level of rage as she set her phone up against the kitchen backsplash a second time and put it on selfie mode.
"Yeesh, it's hard to get that level of emotion on a second take," she said. "Come on, Marcie, you can do this. Think about the trans gulags, the internment camps for gays. ARGH. The tears aren't coming, the tears aren't coming!"
At publishing time Galveston was seen holding an onion under her eyes while reading The New York Times in an effort to spark tears of rage again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
