PALM BEACH, FL — Just four days after winning the election, President-Elect Donald Trump already finished solving every single problem in the world and will sadly now have nothing to do for the next four years.
Despite not having even been sworn in, Trump has already succeeded in starting peace talks in Ukraine, kicking Hamas out of Qatar, restoring fortunes to retirement accounts, reducing gas prices, halting migrant caravans, securing natural gas purchases from the E.U., and even getting Target to put up signs saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays."
"It took me four whole days, but I got it done, all the world's problems solved," Trump told reporters. "I don't know what I'm going to do the next four years, but we're going to keep on winning, let me tell you. Maybe winning at pickleball since I have no work left to do, I don't know. I like winning at golf, but it's almost too easy now. You just hit the ball and it goes in the hole, which some people find very difficult, I don't know why."
At publishing time, Trump had decided to perhaps continue working as a McDonald's fry chef to keep busy while he's President.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
