With the news that Kamala Harris's campaign somehow ended up $20 million in debt after raising over $1 billion in donations, critics have started to wonder: how on earth did her campaign spend that billion dollars? Our crack investigative team at the Bee has gone to work and can now share a line-by-line breakdown of where all that money went:
$70 million for accent coaches: In retrospect, probably shouldn't have used Foghorn Leghorn.
$500,000 for Lizzo's catering: That's a lot of hoagies.
$70 million for surgery to re-attach Tim Walz's arms every time they flew off: Not bad, honestly.
$10 million for NFL coaches to try to teach Walz how to talk about football: Must have been the Jets' coach.
$900,000 for Harry Sisson's puberty blockers: Harry goes off those, even that dude might wind up Republican.
$0 for valor for Tim Walz: Stolen!
$200 million trying to build that shrinking gun from Honey, I Shrunk The Kids so Kamala seems taller: Looking back, platform shoes may have been a wiser investment.
$37.50 for speechwriter: Yeah, this checks out.
$19 million for filming that gross commercial where an old Republican man tells some kid he can't watch porn: We don't want to talk about it.
$ 5 million for Gen Z graphic designers to write "Kamala HQ" in Arial font on a green background: For Gen Z, this was a steal.
$5 million for Doritos: Those gas station chips are pricey.
$500 for coloring books to keep Joe Biden busy: Honestly, really should have set aside more for this.
$600 million on wine: That's on boxed wine, people. Boxed!
$30 million for the rights for Tim Walz to sing "Single Ladies" at rallies: Totally worth it.
$500,000 on punching bags for Doug Emhoff: Ouch.
Well, it all adds up. Money well spent.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
