U.S. — Ratings for Jimmy Kimmel's late-night show soared this past week after he debuted a new segment where he just stands on stage and cries like a big wuss.
Kimmel unveiled the new segment Tuesday night, when in lieu of an opening monologue, he stood there and cried like a girl.
"Oh man, this is great," said local woman Lacy Janovic as she watched Kimmel blubber away. "Is his lip quivering? Aww, look at the big baby crying for his mama! I could watch this every night."
After long being an afterthought in late-night television, Kimmel has suddenly seen millions of Americans tuning in to watch him weep like a pansy. "We've had a ten-fold surge in viewership," reported show producer Dave Campbell. "People absolutely love getting to watch Kimmel stand there like a sissy and bawl all over himself. The only issue is the tears keep washing off his blackface."
At publishing time, Stephen Colbert had also received a big ratings bump as people happily tuned in to watch him angrily scream obscenities like an impotent weakling.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
