The Babylon Bee Guide To Crypto
Sponsored · Jun 11, 2021 ·

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Bitcoin! Crypto! Doge to the moon! What the heck does all this stuff mean anyway? Some of us are libertarians, so we have to pretend to know all about cryptocurrency. But we decided it was finally time to actually research crypto and find out what it is -- and we're here to share that knowledge with you, dear reader!

When did cryptocurrency get its start? 

A bunch of libertarians were sitting around shooting beer cans after a Ron Paul rally in 2008 and one of them was like, "Dude. Money - but like - no Federal Reserve, bro. Whooooa." And all his buddies were like "whoooooooa" and they decided to invent decentralized money.

But what IS cryptocurrency? 

Cryptocurrency is a completely virtual currency that exists only online. You never have to worry about using your wallet because there's no physical money to keep track of. All you have to do is remember one simple 38-character hexadecimal password, answer the bridgekeeper's five three questions, and go on a quest across the galaxy to retrieve all six Infinity Stones to access your account. Easy! There's also stuff about mining and blockchains and stuff but honestly, we still don't understand it.

Are there different types of cryptocurrency?

Yes. Currencies like Bitcoin and Dogecoin are probably the most popular, but there are hundreds of different types! Some lesser-known varieties include the following:

  • BLMcoin
  • EpsteinDidntKillHimselfCoin
  • RonPaulCoin
  • ChuckECheeseCoin
  • Larrycoin -- a coin exclusively for people named Larry.

What is cryptocurrency used for?

Cryptocurrency can be used for many things, such as paying off Russian hackers who are holding your mainframe hostage with ransomware. It's also a great conversation starter -- you can easily pick up women by launching into a 90-minute lecture on how crypto works.

Is cryptocurrency a stable investment? 

It's a great investment for people looking for something a little less risky than shaky fake money like the U.S. dollar.

Why are libertarians so obsessed with cryptocurrency?

Because the government hasn't figured out how to reliably track and tax it yet. Plus, the women thing.

I've heard that cryptocurrency is used to support a lot of nefarious things like illegal drugs and arms trafficking. How can you support something like that in good conscience? 

Yeah, that's a good point. Better stick to the U.S. dollar which is never used in any criminal activity. 

I bought a Bitcoin for $67,000 last week. What's my investment worth today? 

Around $37.50. Wait - nope -- it's worth $1,256,292.52! You're rich! Nope -- It's worth $1.24 now. You shoulda sold!

I've invented my own cryptocurrency called Sprinklecoin, which is named after my Mexican hairless cat Sprinkles. What does this mean for me? 

Congratulations, you're a billionaire! Try not to spend it all in one place. 

A billionaire? Really? That's amazing! 

Sorry, while you were typing Elon Musk tweeted that he didn't like Sprinklecoin, and now it's worth nothing! Better luck next time!

NOT SATIRE: The Foundation for Economic Education is on a mission to inspire, educate, and equip America's rising generation with the economic, ethical, and legal principles of a free society.

These principles include free enterprise, individual liberty, limited government, and entrepreneurship -- such as advancing free-market innovations like Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies!

Please consider supporting our efforts by making a donation of $10, $35, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000 or ANY amount by clicking here.


Thank you, 

Zilvinas Silenas
Foundation for Economic Education


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