Here at The Babylon Bee, we always make sure to impose our modern woke narrative on authors who lived decades or even centuries ago. It's the only way to truly figure out what a text really means.

One author who has come up recently as being problematic is J.R.R. Tolkien, what with Orcs vs. Men clearly being some kind of racial thing. And look at Arwen! She just stays in Rivendell while the men do all the fighting. Very problematic!

Here are seven toxic characters who should have been cut from the books:

1. Gandalf the White perpetuates white supremacy. An obvious one, we'll grant you that. But Gandalf denies his grey race and internalizes his own oppression by becoming white. Very problematic!

2. Frodo and Sam being really good friends but not actually gay pushes a harmful heteronormative narrative. Two male friends who AREN'T token gay characters? Tolkien obviously never watched good entertainment on Netflix. Sad!

3. Gollum mocks people with split personality disorders. Tolkien was promoting ableism here by mocking a poor, mentally ill hobbit with at least two personalities. At least he used the proper ourses/theirses pronouns.

4. The Balrog demonizes the demon community. OOOOOF COURSE, the bad guy is a demon. How typical. Try subverting expectations next time, Professor! Call Rian Johnson if you need help.

5. Hobbits are a mockery of the obese community eating seven meals a day. Second breakfast? Elevenses? Afternoon tea? Every time a person of size reads Tolkien's references to Hobbits' eating habbits, he or she dies a little inside. Very fatphobic.

6. The Eagles are a problematic Nazi symbol. Another obvious one we picked up on right away. Why didn't they take the Eagles to Mordor? Probably because the Eagles were busy at a Nazi rally!

7. Iluvatar perpetuates the idea that there is one God and is not very inclusive of atheists. Monotheistic propaganda! Not good!

Lord of the Rings? More like Lord of the REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE