The Babylon Bee Explains: How To Smoke A Cigar So No One Will Think You're A Loser
Sponsored · Jun 8, 2023 ·

Brought to you by: Cigar Place

Being cool is a state of mind, but you also need to know what you're doing so you don't end up looking like a total dork. Take smoking a cigar for example. If done correctly, you're the coolest guy in the room, but if you don't pull it off, everyone will think you're a loser.

Thankfully, The Babylon Bee is here to explain how to smoke your cigar in a way that will keep anyone who sees you from rolling their eyes or laughing at you. Just follow these helpful tips:

  • Bite off the tip, then swallow it: This is what real men do.
  • Consider lighting your cigar with a flaming $20 bill: Expensive? Yes, but think of how cool you'll look.
  • Only put the non-burning end in your mouth: Trust us, this is a big one.
  • After accidentally putting the burning end in your mouth, just be nonchalant about it: You can go get treatment for your burns later. Just be cool.
  • Inhale as deeply as you can: Stop coughing, you lightweight.
  • Blow smoke rings, then blow a smoke ship that sails through the rings: This works best while wearing a big, pointy hat and having a beard that reaches your stomach.
  • Say "Wow, this is the best cigar I've ever had!": Especially if it's the first cigar you've ever had.
  • Don't tell anyone you thought your buddy was referring to people when he said "Let's go smoke some Cubans.": You'll sound really dumb and give people the wrong impression.
  • Refrain from talking like a gangster from a Bugs Bunny cartoon: We know it'll be difficult, see?
  • Hollow out a cigar and put a strawberry shortcake vape cartridge in there: Add some extra flavor without anyone knowing.
  • Start every sentence with "You know, I'm reminded of something G.K. Chesterton said…": This is what all the other cigar guys do. You should do it, too.

Bonus tip: After lighting your cigar, it's best to toss the match behind you, triggering a massive explosion as you walk away in slow motion.

By following this handy list, you'll avoid looking like an absolute goof while trying to smoke your cigar and make everyone think you're way cooler than you really are.

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Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.

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