WORLD — Concerned citizens of nations around the world breathed a collective sigh of relief this week, as the individuals who comprised Jeffrey Epstein's client list assured everyone that there was no Epstein client list.
After years of speculation about the names that could be present on the list of people who were involved in Epstein's alleged global human trafficking ring, the matter was finally settled by the people on the list issuing a joint statement denying the existence of the list.
"The list that our names are on does not exist," said a representative of the people named on the list. "While it has been claimed that the presence of our names on Jeffrey Epstein's list was evidence that we were potentially guilty of horrific crimes against innocent victims, we can assure everyone that there is no ‘client list,' regardless of the fact that our names are on it."
Though skeptics maintained that Epstein's client list most definitely existed and was being concealed by powerful elites to keep it secret, the powerful elites were adamant that it was not the case. "Don't be ridiculous," said one powerful elite. "As one of the people who is named on the Epstein client list, I can say with full confidence that there is no Epstein client list. Please stop asking about the release of the Epstein client list, thank you. Because it doesn't exist. And I would know, because my name is on it."
At publishing time, the CIA had also released a statement clarifying that the CIA had no involvement in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.
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