7 Totally Plausible Explanations For What Happened To The Epstein List On Pam Bondi's Desk

U.S. · Jul 9, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
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Attorney General Pam Bondi is in hot water today after the Epstein list that was "on her desk" a few months ago somehow went missing. Before you start attacking Bondi though, consider these seven totally reasonable explanations for what might have happened:

  1. Bondi threw it away because she saw the list included every single person living in Hollywood and D.C. and realized there must be some mistake: Obviously.

  2. Bondi meant she had Epstein's Spotify list: It was a simple misunderstanding.

  3. She really had the list, but her dog ate it, and she was going to try to piece it back together, but then some Haitians ate the dog: Happens all the time.

  4. She actually meant she had the list of clients for Marvin Epstein, a dentist from Brooklyn: It all makes sense.

  5. Bondi was carrying the Epstein list when she accidentally bumped into a super cute guy who it turns out is a young Santa Claus and somehow the lists got switched in a romantic "Christmas List Swap": Coming to the Hallmark Channel soon!

  6. The Epstein list is really just a metaphor for the trauma in each person's past: So powerful.

  7. Bondi is actually still going to release the Epstein list, but she's going to have some influencers shoot the pedophiles' names out of t-shirt cannons and the cannons are on backorder: Hooray!

See, it all adds up. Don't be so hard on Pam.


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