Attorney General Pam Bondi is in hot water today after the Epstein list that was "on her desk" a few months ago somehow went missing. Before you start attacking Bondi though, consider these seven totally reasonable explanations for what might have happened:
Bondi threw it away because she saw the list included every single person living in Hollywood and D.C. and realized there must be some mistake: Obviously.
Bondi meant she had Epstein's Spotify list: It was a simple misunderstanding.
She really had the list, but her dog ate it, and she was going to try to piece it back together, but then some Haitians ate the dog: Happens all the time.
She actually meant she had the list of clients for Marvin Epstein, a dentist from Brooklyn: It all makes sense.
Bondi was carrying the Epstein list when she accidentally bumped into a super cute guy who it turns out is a young Santa Claus and somehow the lists got switched in a romantic "Christmas List Swap": Coming to the Hallmark Channel soon!
The Epstein list is really just a metaphor for the trauma in each person's past: So powerful.
Bondi is actually still going to release the Epstein list, but she's going to have some influencers shoot the pedophiles' names out of t-shirt cannons and the cannons are on backorder: Hooray!
See, it all adds up. Don't be so hard on Pam.
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