SPRINGFIELD, VA — The Transport Security Agency has officially announced that passengers will no longer have to remove their shoes before being publicly fondled.
According to acting administrator Ha Nguyen McNeill, the agency had concluded that asking patients to take off their shoes before being groped was time-consuming and unnecessary.
"No one likes waiting to be fondled — we totally feel you," McNeill told reporters. "That's why, in the interest of what's best for passengers, we are now allowing all travelers to keep their shoes on to expedite the caressing process. Getting right down to business will speed things up significantly for both passengers and TSA personnel."
The change has been well-received by travelers across the country, who have long preferred to keep their shoes on while being fondled. "It's always been such a hassle, taking my shoes off to cuddle up with an agent," said local man Dennis Walsh. "There's something more comforting about still having your shoes on when you're getting felt up by a stranger."
At publishing time, the TSA had confirmed that passengers would definitely have to keep removing their belts as that was still necessary pre-fondling.
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