Embattled Platner Flees To Argentina

BUENOS AIRES — American politician Graham Platner suspended his race for the U.S. Senate this week amid allegations of sexual assault and Nazism, and reportedly fled to Argentina.

According to federal agents, Platner was believed to be hiding out in a small house in Vicente López, the Buenos Aires suburb where Nazi fugitive Josef Mengele famously escaped to following World War II.

"We presume he's changed his name and altered his appearance to avoid identification," FBI Director Kash Patel said. "Which is kind of strange since there isn't a warrant out for his arrest. I'm not even sure why I'm tracking him, to be honest. I should probably do my actual work."

Platner posted a short video to social media on Thursday, refusing to disclose his location. "I can't tell you where I am, but I'm moving on with my life," he said. "Pay no attention to the Argentinian flag behind me. I'm in an undisclosed location. Not Argentina."

Though the Argentine government officially denied knowledge of Platner's current whereabouts, President Javier Milei offered to hunt him down and cut him in half with the same chainsaw he uses to slash government spending and bureaucracy.

"We cannot stress enough how little we care what happened to Graham Platner," said Peter Lamelas, U.S. Ambassador to Argentina. "Please stop looking for him."

At publishing time, Platner had reportedly inquired about whether Nazis were allowed to run for office in Argentina.

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