SAN ANTONIO, TX — Following a closed-door meeting to discuss the issue and take an official vote, residents of the state of Texas announced their plan to continue pretending Whataburger is good.
"We're sticking with it, for better or worse," said native Texan Terry Funk. "In our secret meeting, we all came clean and admitted that Whataburger has no business being mentioned in the same conversation as In-N-Out, Five Guys, Shake Shack, or Freddy's, but as Texans, we all have to circle the wagons and put on a united front. We've decided to live or die singing the praises of Whataburger. Probably die, though, because it's really not that good."
Long promoted by Texans as a top-flight burger joint, Whataburger has been exposed during its recent expansion into other areas of the country. Despite the mixed reviews, proud Texans plan to remain loyal to the brand. "It's so good," said Dick Murdoch as he struggled to smile after taking a bite of a double Whataburger. "I mean…yeah, it's basically just like McDonald's or Burger King or Hardee's or Jack in the Box or Wendy's or any other fast food burger…but…but it's totally good, OK?"
Though a recent study confirmed a vast majority of people would prefer to use Whataburger patties as coasters rather than food, Texans vowed to show their trademark resilience to pretend the restaurant belongs among the burger elites.
At publishing time, Texans were preparing to hold another important meeting to address whether or not they had any legal or moral standing to keep referring to the perennially mediocre Dallas Cowboys as "America's Team."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
