WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the terrorist organization Hamas continues to hold multiple American hostages in Gaza, the White House assured the media President Biden will be gravely concerned about the situation as soon as he hears about it.
"It will be his highest priority once he knows it's happening," said black and gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "We've found it's best to keep him out of the loop as much as possible, but as soon as we have no other choice but to tell him, he's going to be very interested in what's happening in Gaza."
Hamas has held Americans among its many hostages ever since its deadly attacks on Israeli villages and civilians on October 7th. Despite his remarks to the media multiple times since the attacks, Biden reportedly thinks he's addressing something else entirely. "Listen up, folks," Biden said in his most recent unintentional address on the subject, "I think there's some stuff going on in that one place. Some folks are doing whatever to some other folks. And it needs to end right now! Got that! Now! No more! None of that…of that…no more of that…any of the…the stuff. Knock it off. Anyway…"
Though the Biden administration has notified family members of the Americans being held, it has not yet notified the president himself. "He really just gets in the way," Jean-Pierre said. "We prefer to tell him about things after they're already resolved."
At publishing time, the White House called a "lid" and told the media President Biden would be spending the rest of the week back at the beach following his nap this afternoon.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
